SOS

SOS

Once upon a time a fellow had a big sack of shit. Hereafter known by the shortened moniker, SOS. Now, the fellow was, for the most part, quite happy with his SOS. It did exactly what one expected from a SOS. But, after owning the SOS for a short time, really deep down, the fellow felt somewhat less happy with his SOS. Now, mind you, the SOS had totally lived up to its end of the bargain. The SOS was being itself. The fellow knew this and berated himself for even thinking about expecting more from his SOS than could be reasonably expected. 

The fellow decided to give the matter a little time to sort itself out. Of course, he could have done some research or consulted the best minds regarding his dilemma, but he didn’t. He decided to ruminate of the situation all by himself. And by ruminate, I do not mean to suggest the fellow engaged in deep deliberative thought. He happily chewed and re-chewed his favorite dietary foodstuffs.

After a short time the fellow came up with what he named in his own mind, “The Best Fuckin Idea Ever!” or (TBFIE).  Parenthetically, for a man for whom prescience was not a strong suit, the idea bore a striking resemblance to a great idea. Arguably, demented, but great.

The idea was this. The fellow would spice up his SOS. Now, for the thoughtful reader who is already jumping ahead with probing questions, let’s take a deep breath and slow down. Sure, on some philosophical level, one might indeed wonder if a SOS is still a SOS if you add extraneous ingredients. And so on. However, the fellow with the SOS simply wanted it to do more, be livelier, more interesting. In short, he did not concern himself with matters of philosophy. At all. The man straightforwardly took TBFIE and ran with that puppy! 

With items presumably found at his local SOS improvement center, the fellow set to work. First he added a liberal dose of narcissism. The fellow noticed some hopeful rumblings almost immediately. He followed that with a solid sprinkling of wacky ideology (largely scrounged from bits and pieces discarded by more thoughtful people). The SOS began to show signs of liveliness beyond his expectations. Sure, the liveliness was unpredictable and erratic but, hell, who cared about that shit. Finally, he added the pièce de résistance, although the fellow thought of it as, “the crazy shit that should get this train moving”! Either way it was a healthy sprinkle of latter-day-Three-Stooges-like incompetence”. I am sure there are young people for whom this, admittedly outdated, reference means nothing. Please feel free to substitute a more current popular reference. Think of a group of individuals who act in a manic fashion, are comically incompetent, and possess little or no self-reflection. Every age has its version.

I am going to leave the story here. For those of you wondering what happens next, I can say this much. History forgot about the fellow. Some would argue that is for the best. Others vociferously contend it is quite a shame. These folks will enthusiastically tell anyone who cares to listen, about we should go back and find the fellow. If he is alive we should slap the snot out of him. If he’s deceased we should pull out all the stops and bring his sorry ass back to life- so we can slap the snot out of him. On the other hand, the SOS will not soon be forgotten. Though many people wake up each morning with that fervent wish on their lips. “Please wipe this SOS from all memory.”